Motherhood Heartbreak, How Do I Pick Up The Pieces?

Posted on July 20, 2018 by

47 Comments

Thoughts and Quotes

 

Image result for disclaimer iconDisclaimer: The topic I will be discussing includes child sexual misconduct and I really don’t want to be responsible for triggering anyone or just making anyone uncomfortable. I apologize in advance for saying anything that might come off the wrong way. No harm is meant by my post.

 

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So I have no idea how to go about talking about the subject I want to discuss or why I feel the need to post about it on public forum but the only reason I can think of is that I really need some advice and I know that all of you(my bloggy friends) have always been there for me. You guys have been there more than my actual physical friends or family but that’s a whole different topic. I just know that I feel comfortable enough-ish to write this post and pray that I get some advice, support and/or feedback. Image result for hard times quotes

As many of you know, I come from a chaotic and quite extensive history of trauma. I have experienced all the traumas that I believe are known to man and if not thank God I was spared from that but this is not a pity post or even a post about me. The reason I point out the literal torture that I have been through as a child is because I feel like I have no idea how to react because I am being faced with my children being hurt as well.Image result for hard times quotes

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The only thing I thought I ever was possible of doing right was protecting them from having the same experiences that I had as a child. I want them to have understanding, innocence, fun, and discipline that includes a hug and a loving conversation when all is said and done. As I sit here staring at this computer screen, I never thought it was possible that my children would get hurt at all. I am not going to go into too many details or make this post drawn out, I am simply just in shock, I believe. 

The other day my intuition kept telling me to asks my kids this crazy question. I kept pushing it away and thought maybe I was just being crazy. My kids have a friend that is a little bit older than them. I have known him most of his life and he has been around my kids more times than I can count. He is 11 and autistic and my kids are 10, 7, and 2. Well after them hanging out again for the summer, I couldn’t help but ask my kids if something happened that made them feel uncomfortable and if they were violated in any way. So that brings me to now, I am sitting here beating myself up for not following my intuition way sooner because my kids were sexually violated. I am thankful to God that they weren’t raped and it doesn’t make things any better really because in the end I am faced with the fact that I didn’t listen to this small niggling feeling that’s happened, my babies that I love with my whole heart were taken advantage of and I also don’t know how to feel because this other child is practically family and is obviously sick himself. Did someone teach him this? Could he understand what he was doing? My children act like they don’t realize the magnitude of what happened but should I still get them in therapy even if one of them says they don’t want to? game_comp_title.gifHow could I miss all of this and why did I think because I was facing financial hardships and eviction that that was actually rock bottom?

 

84f9c111fca8b31e19086c42effa4f40--cute-emo-girls-sad-girl-drawing1938030977.jpgI still have scheduled a family session for my whole family. I am giving my kids lots of love and understanding. I have notified the child’s parents and said they can’t see each other until further notice. I have still tried to remain positive and warm Dani and will continue to do so but I feel like maybe I am doing all of this wrong? I even wondered about getting police involved with the situation. I am just lost. All I know is that even if I think the most random thought comes in my mind and sounds outrageous I am going to act on it. I am going to try my best to keep going and keep my head high even though I never have felt so much heartache. I’m sorry about this post and I hate that it is so raw and so gloomy but I know sometimes in life we all face gloom and doom. I just needed to write this out even if I decide to take it down later because I feel that writing it out actually makes it more real because I have become to the point that the stress has turned me numb. I am sorry if that seems selfish of me but all I want is to be able to feel and stop flashing back to my own childhood so I can know for sure that I am taking all the right steps and that all the directions I am headed things will be okay. 

Thank you so much to everyone who has listened and supported me on here. Your friendship means the world to me. As I am in so much emotional pain, I will still be the ever so bouncy Dani because one thing I know for sure is that I will fucking fake it until I make it and I am determined not to lose myself over my struggles. I am a badass, open-minded, ultra caring mother and friend and will freakin continue!

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Category: family, family in need, friends, kids, UncategorizedTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

47 Comments on “Motherhood Heartbreak, How Do I Pick Up The Pieces?”

  1. Powerful stuff indeed, and difficult times for a loving mother, Dani.
    If this 11-year old is sexually active, despite being autistic, I find that strange. I have a friend with an autistic son who is now 23 years old, and he has never shown any interest of understanding of sex or sexuality, as he still behaves like a small child.
    So I am left thinking just how ‘autistic’ is he really? Obviously, I don’t know the boy, but suspect he may be over-playing the condition to cover up other behaviour.
    I think you have to involve the police, in case he does it to someone else, and you would be left feeling guilty if that happened.
    But once the police get involved, then the whole ball-game changes, and your kids will have to give statements, relive the incidents, and perhaps be even more traumatised than they might be otherwise. It’s almost a no-win situation for you, so I suggest you go with your instincts, which are to protect your children at all costs. Search inside yourself as to how you feel, and act on those feelings.
    I have no kids, so cannot suggest much else, I’m afraid.
    I will be thinking of you during these troubled times honey. xx

    Best wishes, Pete. xx

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    • Thank you so much for your advice, Pete!❤ It means the world to have such a loyal and good friend like you. I am so unsure of what to do. He does talk autistic and I’m not sure about the details of his case specifically but he must have learned this somewhere or something. I am scared to involve the police for so many reasons. One of the reasons being my kids don’t want to talk to a therapist yet alone an officer and from experience reliving it and having no justice was worst but I had a different situation as well. You are definitely right about the guilt I would feel if something happens to someone else. It’s just so much to bear at a time that was already so difficult on my family. Things fell through, illness worsened, car repossessed, someone stealing from me and harassing my home and vandalizing it but this is hands down the hardest right now. I feel just so lost, my friend. I wish I was closer so I could have a huge Pete hug!❤😢

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      • I too wish you were closer, and I might be able to do something positive to help, as well as that big hug. I understand why you don’t want to involve the authorities, as that can work against you in so many ways. Child services, police therapists, and who knows what! Sometimes that can have a more damaging affect than the actual experience, which may not have affected them as badly as we grown-ups assume it might have. Just hang in there, do your best as I am sure you will, and if you ever want to say more or talk outside of a public forum, just send me an email. petejohnson50@yahoo.com
        Lots of love, Pete. xx

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  2. Another thought. Maybe the boy has been sexually abused, and is just repeating that on others, as he doesn’t understand it’s not the way to behave? His abuser(s) might have convinced him that “everyone does it”. xx

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    • This is exactly what I was going to say Pete. This child is obviously aware of this behaviour from somewhere and you could be helping them by reporting the issue – even if it’s just to highlight his obvious need for some kind of therapy. And you’d be protecting everyone else that he comes into contact with.

      This is such a difficult situation but if I were you Dani I would talk to my kids about what the options are and what they want to do. Then weigh up the situation from there. I wouldn’t force them into therapy if they don’t want to do it – they may not be ready yet to talk.

      In terms of the child “playing up” their autism – autism is a spectrum and presents in a number of ways, so I don’t think that doubting the clinical diagnosis is going to get you anywhere.

      Big hugs for you my lovely. I just want you to know that this isn’t your fault. I hope you’re ok xxx

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    • This is what I believe may be the case, Pete. Even after knowing his parents for years and years and are extended family, I have heard there has been some weird things going on in the home. I never hung around his dad but met him a few times and got bad vibes immediately and now that this has happened someone who lived with them fo awhile heard what happened and said there was always strange sexual toys of the man’s left around when the mother wasn’t around and ghere were children in the home. The whole situation has me in shambles. My 7 year old has been so embarrassed to even look at me half of the time. I am still considering talking to the police. I just don’t know what’s right. Thanks for being such a great friend! *hugs*🤗😘

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  3. First off: really do not apologise, for anything. Also do not put the blame on yourself either. With everything that you are going through it’s incredible that you are even still trying to remain positive in the first place. But even if you weren’t going through stuff, you can’t see everything as a parent. Even though I don’t have kids, I do know that you wish to protect your children from everything brutal this world unfortunately has, but it can’t be done, no matter how much you sometimes wish it to be so. I have heard and seen countless things from other parents too that have sometimes missed things that have been going on for years. So the first thing you should do, not matter how much that first instinct might be, is just stop blaming yourself for this.
    Secondly, I agree with Pete: you should definitely get the police involved. As difficult as that might be, it’s the best thing to do. Who knows how much this kid has done to others already, or might still do to other children. It also gives you a chance to tell your story, and maybe get some help in other ways too, like someone who can lend you a listening ear and provide some professional help as well. One thing I absolutely do know is that you love your children and you are an amazing mother. Every post you ever wrote about them is just so full of love for them that it shines through in every sentence that you write.
    As far as getting the police involved, it will also get back to the parents of that boy. This kind of behaviour at an age of 11 is not normal. I am not saying that those parents are to blame, but one can never know exactly what might have gone on in that family.
    I think it’s absolutely amazing that you are able to write such a heartfelt post and asks us for advice: you are the bravest woman I have ever met.
    Dani I am always here for you, and just as Pete offered I am offering the same thing: always feel free to contact me whenever you need to talk: you have my emailadress, and never ever think you are a burden on me in anyway: You never are.
    You and your kids will be in my prayers and I truly hope better times are coming for you and your family. For now: do what you think is best, and no matter how hard it is, just make that call to the police. I really think it is the absolute best thing to do.
    Big hug, and please take care 😘❤️

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    • I wrote you a long thought out response to this and now I know my comments haven’t been showing up! Grrrrr!!!😵 Your advice meant the world to me sweetheart! I am so thankful to have a friend like you during times like this. Lately, I have been so numb. I haven’t been focusing on what I love but after talking to my therapist as family session on Saturday and breaking down, I felt so much better.💙 My social worker is going to help me talk to who I need to and I am going to continue to get my kids help and be there for them. Thank you so much for your kind words. You have no idea how much they touched me the other day when I needed to hear it all the most.💙 You are a great friend. Xoxo!😍

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      • WordPress has been doing it’s best lately to just keep hitting us with new problems. I have had my comments disappear all over the place, it really is annoying. But no worries sweety 😘
        I’m glad to hear that you are doing a little bit better. My heart has been breaking ever since I read your post and there are so many times where I just wish I would live closer near you so I could support you better. But unfortunately that is not the case. Still, distance never mattered to me, and I am forever grateful that I have met you, as you are an absolutely amazing womand and a terrific friend.Never ever forget that ❤️
        Please take good care of yourself, and if there is anything more that I can do, feel free to contact me 😘❤️

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  4. As everyone has already mentioned, you are quite possibly one of the finest mothers around. I have had friends who were abused as children–both sexually and physically–and the parents turned their heads to it, pretending like it never happened because it was too much for them to take in. You aren’t doing that. You’re facing it head on and prioritising your kids above anything else.

    I have a cousin who is a lawyer who has worked on cases involving child abuse and assault. As everyone has mentioned there are a few things to keep in mind if/when you decide to include the police.

    1) Proof. Because this involves children–abuser and abusees–it can be very tricky to prove that your kids were harmed. It depends on where you reside and how the laws pertaining to child abuse and acts of paedophilia are treated. A He-Said-She-Said situation could arise, especially if the parents of the 11-y/o fight back and pin the blame on your children. This can create a long and exhaustive situation that can be further psychologically damaging to your children, not to mention just the public fall-out that comes with this sort of case.

    2) Psychological/emotional fall-out. I mentioned psychological damage above. When people are constantly in your face trying to find out if you’re lying, or worse accusing you of lying or wanting attention (one of the bigger and more common ways to bully) it makes the abused further regress and the chances of them getting treatment a bit more difficult. It’s trickier when you’ve got younger kids. But it’s also extremely unhealthy for them to think they need to keep something like this bottled up because it perpetuates the stigma that what happened to them is their fault, which is fucking absolutely is not.

    3.) Other options. My advice is to still file a police report, but as also to call child services and let them know what has happened. Sometimes with police because evidentiary documentation of a sexual assault can be a difficult and delicate process, it will take some time before any action is taken, if any action is taken. As another commenter mentioned, it could be that the abuser doesn’t understand what he did as abuse but as a means of “showing you care” for the other person, and very well may be a victim of abuse himself. With autism how things are explained to a child are the most fundamental things because their brains process things much differently than other children, or even adults, leaving them easy to manipulate. Calling child services here will allow them to investigate the situation and find out what is going on. It also allows them to be able to put the child into a treatment program if needed that can help him much better to understand what he has done, or at the very least to rehabilitate him from doing it again.

    As for helping your kids to deal with this, definitely contact and speak to a few child psychologists, particularly ones that specialise in abuse. (I have another cousin who is a psychiatrist and I asked him for advice here). I say speak to a few because you really want to see what kind of advice different people have to offer that way you can get a sense of what will work best for both you as a parent trying to help your kids and what will be most comfortable for your kids as well. The last thing you want is to go to someone who may inadvertently damager your kids mentally further by helping them with methods or advice not suited for them.

    Showing them that you are there to support them and being love and understanding is the most important thing, as well as not ignoring what is going on. Which you’re doing all of these things, so excellent. Don’t let them have too much space with it, or don’t let them go too long without talking about it. As someone who was physically abused as a kid (not the same as sexual, but still not good), the longer they go without getting treatment or talking about it, the higher the chances that they may develop unhealthy thoughts and behaviour patterns due to what’s happened. Getting treatment and facing it is the best thing to ensure a healthy and safe future for your kids.

    I’m sorry this got so damn long. Like Michel and Pete have said, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up. My DMs on Twitter (@nek0nyaan) are always open, and I can give you my email from there if it’s easier.

    Best of luck.

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    • Hey swettheart! I wrote you and everyone else a response the other day when I wrote this but now looking back none of my comments have shown up.😒 But your advice was very helpful plus it made me smile when you complimented me. It meant so much to me to have your mind words and that you took out time to ask your family for advice. I am so appreciative to have met so many good friends/people, you included! Sorry my comment didn’t post, I have been having the worst issues lately with WordPress! You rock!💙

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      • You’re welcome. I hope things work out okay for you and your family. You deserve all of the happiness and peace of mind. ♥

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        • You are the sweetest. I ou deserve all the happiness as well. I kept having images pop up in my head and while reading your heartfelt post about your feelings all I could feel was how much you were an Empath and that you have such a big purpose in your life and all the pain you went through was to make you stronger. I don’t want to sound like a crazy person but you have an amazing gift and drew some cards for you because you stayed on my mind and it all spoke of your strength and gifts and your gift of sensitivity and Empathy. I hope that doesn’t sound crazy but that’s what I was trying to write you the other day because I had this insane urge to tell you. Sorry about talking about this on my page. I have a number and email address on my contact info if you want to speak about it privately bht that sums it up. I hope you are doing better.

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  5. I’m so sorry this happened. As for the other kid, as the dad of an autistic son myself, i can tell you that there’s a possibility that he doesn’t know any better. But, it’s unacceptable regardless, and i certainly hope his parents have a long discussion with him, and that he’s able to process that. As for your kids, I think you’re doing the right thing by talking about it, together. Your youngest won’t understand, of course. But they need to know it’s never ok for someone else to touch them, no matter what.

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  6. Don’t apologise for expressing yourself Dani. As everyone has said, you are a great mother and I believe you will get your family through this. I hope that the other kid’s parents understand the situation and talk to their son about this. Be strong! My best wishes and prayers your way

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    • Thanks so much, my friend.💙 Your mind words meant the world to me. I am still trying to push through this with and do the best that I can but definitely still feel overwhelmed.😕 The other parents haven’t been in contact with me the last few days and I am worried about them taking this situation serious enough now but I have been so detached but got a my therapist/social worker involved. Thank you for your prayers! Xoxo.

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      • You really don’t have to thank. Anyone would have wished the same ❤. Don’t worry, though slowly, it’ll soon work out for you guys. It’s a tough situation for them too I guess, but it’s important to know if they are taking care of the situation. It will all be better. Just hang in there ❤❤.

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  7. Oh God Dani! I’m so, so sorry. I hope you realize this has nothing to do with your skills as a mother, because you are one of the best. As far as how to proceed, I’m hesitant to advise you as I’m not a professional. I have to agree with Pete, Michel, and BiblioNyan. I personally think that you need to notify the police and child services not only to help your children, but also to protect any other possible victims. Plus, there’s there’s the possibility that this autistic child ay himselve be a victim and is mimicking what’s been done to him. I think you’re doing the right thing by discussing this with your munchkins and supporting them.

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    • Thanks so much for your support, Book Sister!💜 I wrote comments back to everyone but they didn’t post obviously.😕 I am so thankful to have a friend like you to give me good advice and help me by giving me encouragement. I have been feeling so detached and feel better having a breakdown while having a session with my ther

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      • Sorry it sent prematurely. I felt better after having an emotional breakdown during family session with my social worker. The kids left the room after I started ugly crying but it made me feel somewhat better in the end. I’m trying to keep it together and push through. It’s just one of those moments where I ask God why now. Why does this have to happen when everything was already falling apart for us financially and otherwise but I am doing my best to keep faith. Thank you so much for your kind words! Your friendship means the world to me!💙

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  8. Hi Dani. I’m so sorry, As if being a mom isn’t hard enough. You’ve gotten a lot of great advice here, and I agree. Go with your gut. Taking police action may help all the children involved. There are many wonderful professionals that will guide you through this. I also have friends who have dealt with similar issues. Good luck. Stay strong.

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Dani☆Touch My Spine Book Reviews☆

Dani☆Touch My Spine Book Reviews☆

Hey everyone! I'm Dani and I am a free spirited bibliophile!💖 I love meeting new people and being a part of this community. I have met the best people in the world being a book blogger and love them as family.😍 Here's some words that describe who I am in a nutshell: Book Nerd Girl, Custom-Made, Hippie Chick, Empath, Open Minded, Spiritual(but doesn't push), A Random Rambler, Loves Humor, Pansexual, Poly, Animal Lover, Book Molester, Life Coach, Psychology Major, Dyslexic That Was Self Taught With Books, Inspiring Author, Loves Others to a Fault!💖😍 The only thing I ask for on this blog is respect! Craziness and dirty joking welcome.💯 Discrimination and disrespectful comments can hit their asses with the door!💯📌📝

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