Coming Clean About My Absence…My Family Has Been Struggling And Is In Need.. Hardest Post To Post

I know many have wondered where in the hell I have been… Well yes I have battled grief and yes I have had issues going online but I haven’t shared it all.
I have went through way more than grief, I have been fighting for my ability to take care of my children and to get the medical treatment for my family. Long story short, we have lost most of our income and medical benefits.

We went weeks without electricity, had to cut back like barely nothing on food for kids to have it and we have went without medical supplies and medications.

I have been battling seizures without my medicine and haven’t been able to caretaker my son’s father who has a brain injury and can’t remember 20 mins ago or long term. My child’s mother has been battling renal failure with no way to go to the doctor and my other son’s father has no insulin. I know that’s a lo but we are four disabled people who work together to give our kids as much as love as possible.

I hate and I am scared about writing this post because it’s so hard for me to swallow my pride but we have tried every agency and every resource possible. Thanks to the one friend I asked advice from Kim @ By Hook or By Hook I was able to get an emergency food resource for the week but since we are facing eviction and are we need some medications to live we are asking for the bare minimum to help us out, enough for rent and meds. I know that many might be having their own struggles and please don’t feel bad if you can’t help and I don’t want anyone to go without because of me. Your kindness, prayers and/or vibes mean the world to me and are just as important!💜 You can find the link to the fundraiser @ https://www.gofundme.com/trying-to-pay-rent-amp-medical-needs

It’s a safe and secure place for any transactions and none of your information will be shared.

Thank you for taking out the time for reading my post and if anything I may have said wrong I apologize my brain has been a little scrambled from lack of meds and sleep from stress. I can’t thank you enough for your support of Touch My Spine Book Reviews

You can find it on Twitter at https://twitter.com/BookishDani/status/988371906440187904

https://www.gofundme.com/trying-to-pay-rent-amp-medical-needs

*~Positive Dani 2.0~The Avoidance of the Itchy Butthole~*

Hello my loves and I hope you guys have had a joyous weekend filled with reading, time with your loved ones or butt sex! Whatever tickles your pickle, I hope it was a joyous one! 

So it’s been a while since I have rambled on or had any posts that were in Dani-style articles that either make you shake your head or think “what is wrong with this girl?” Well I want to talk about positivity and positive self talk. You know affirmations and being mindful and shit.

I have the most difficult time just being myself and being okay with it or just even looking on the bright side. I have lately let the fact that my life and my body have been falling apart get the best of me. I waved that damn surrender flag. I stressed myself into ulcers and stomach bleeding. It’s just been a horrendous mess. One of my main New Year’s resolutions was to be flippin positive and I lost sight of that.

I mean when you think about it life can always be worse. Like today I was wishing I didn’t battle agoraphobia and I wasn’t on bed rest so I could go out on some real adventures. Well let’s analyze this for a moment. First off I am poor as shit. Like saying paycheck to paycheck would be an upgrade so if I could leave the house I would go to Wal-Mart and get groceries that are needed and trust me this reminded me to stay positive. Worse things can always happen!

Going to Wal-Mart is the epitome of a disaster. Either you are surrounded by the people of Wal-Mart which trust me in South Carolina is scary as hell or you’re going to have another issue. Other issues at Wal-Mart would include rude-ass customer service workers, you go in with a list and get everything besides what’s on the list or something like your butthole itches. 

I know what you are thinking. What does your butthole have to do with this? Well think about when your butthole itches in a public place like Wal-Mart! It’s killer! You want to itch it so bad but there are people everywhere you turn and the bathrooms have a line to just wash your hands! So you start walking strange and doing some kind of weird cupid shuffle to get rid of the itchiness but it just doesn’t work! Even if you were to get a chance to scratch, you can’t wash your hands because of that damn line.

So as my way of “thinking out loud” like my friend Pete @ http://beatlypete.wordpress.com/ does on Sunday, I am going to start being more positive! Pete does his “Thinking Out Loud” posts on Sunday so thinking of him got me thinking…. I may have to be on bed rest or scared to go in public but I am not stuck in public with an itchy butthole. So you always got to look for the silver linings in life and tell yourself these things!

Also I was not going to write this because people may think I’m weird but the thing is I am weird so it’s all good. I need to embrace my weirdness and embrace the fact that I avoided Wal-Mart and a public itchy butthole. 

So in conclusion, I am going to work on my positivity and seeing the good in all things and really try to get on track with my resolution! I hope everyone has a great day! I LOVE you all!

Fractured Mind of a Broken Child

I’m going to do something a little different today. Something that has a lot of stigma. Something that is battled worldwide and so many few know but don’t really “know”. Child abuse effects so many children and so many more than that are recorded because so many stastitsics won’t make much of a difference. So many children hope there is light at the end of the dark and scary tunnel but most of tge time even into adulthood we have to take things day by day.

“Its better to build strong children than to repair broken men” -Frederick Douglass

So what is the point of me talking about all this depressing stuff? I am just going to straight up say it and have felt so much support from all of my followers that I feel that it’s safe to talk about something I hide from the world most of the time. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

I know many will only know from what they have seen in fictional television or books. Well things are not always that extreme and it’s fiction for a reason. I do go through bouts of amnesia and split off into multiple personalities. Dani you guys know is me. Well, they all are me in a way with seperate full identies, personalities and pasts.

I am the host and have been around since birth. I gained my alters beginning at age 6 when I would cope with the childhood abuse I went through. It carried through childhood through adulthood and there is so much pieces of my memory that is missing that it was so hard to tell the lines between fiction and reality.

This is an extremely exhausting mental illness that has effected me in pretty much every part of my life. I have lost people when they have found out I have this disorder. I have been called posessed by a church I called home when they found out. Most of my family couldn’t deal with the symptoms and have abandoned me at one point or other part of my life because they couldn’t deal with it.

I have lost so much and lost so many. This caused more anxiety and depression which led to me transitioning more. I was a lab rat as a child to the point of messing up my liver at a young age. I have been through electric shock therapy and clinical trials catered to D.I.D. I have been catatonic. My life was so chaotic and lost so much support when I got physically sick 4 years ago that it also took another part of me.

I was so free and lived in the moment, D.I.D. or not. Things changed quickly 4 years ago because everything finally made me crack and since then I am an agorophobic. I am literally scared shitless to leave my house or to even go on my front door. The only way I am able to leave my home is once a month for my doctor’s appointment. That’s it. Yes I am sick physically as well and that doesn’t help at all but losing people so much from things I can’t even remember just got the best of me.

My therapist says I should open up about this and learn to let things go and since I talk to you guys on a daily basis and don’t want you confused one day. Please don’t worry and I hope this doesn’t scare anyone away from me. I am on all my medicine and pretty well functioning.

This is just my way of “Coming out the Closet about being the same Dani but there are other pieces of me.”

*Sorry I didn’t proofread and will try to later just have the initial anxiety of doing this and have to ground myself.