Fractured Mind of a Broken Child


I’m going to do something a little different today. Something that has a lot of stigma. Something that is battled worldwide and so many few know but don’t really “know”. Child abuse effects so many children and so many more than that are recorded because so many stastitsics won’t make much of a difference. So many children hope there is light at the end of the dark and scary tunnel but most of tge time even into adulthood we have to take things day by day.

“Its better to build strong children than to repair broken men” -Frederick Douglass

So what is the point of me talking about all this depressing stuff? I am just going to straight up say it and have felt so much support from all of my followers that I feel that it’s safe to talk about something I hide from the world most of the time. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

I know many will only know from what they have seen in fictional television or books. Well things are not always that extreme and it’s fiction for a reason. I do go through bouts of amnesia and split off into multiple personalities. Dani you guys know is me. Well, they all are me in a way with seperate full identies, personalities and pasts.

I am the host and have been around since birth. I gained my alters beginning at age 6 when I would cope with the childhood abuse I went through. It carried through childhood through adulthood and there is so much pieces of my memory that is missing that it was so hard to tell the lines between fiction and reality.

This is an extremely exhausting mental illness that has effected me in pretty much every part of my life. I have lost people when they have found out I have this disorder. I have been called posessed by a church I called home when they found out. Most of my family couldn’t deal with the symptoms and have abandoned me at one point or other part of my life because they couldn’t deal with it.

I have lost so much and lost so many. This caused more anxiety and depression which led to me transitioning more. I was a lab rat as a child to the point of messing up my liver at a young age. I have been through electric shock therapy and clinical trials catered to D.I.D. I have been catatonic. My life was so chaotic and lost so much support when I got physically sick 4 years ago that it also took another part of me.

I was so free and lived in the moment, D.I.D. or not. Things changed quickly 4 years ago because everything finally made me crack and since then I am an agorophobic. I am literally scared shitless to leave my house or to even go on my front door. The only way I am able to leave my home is once a month for my doctor’s appointment. That’s it. Yes I am sick physically as well and that doesn’t help at all but losing people so much from things I can’t even remember just got the best of me.

My therapist says I should open up about this and learn to let things go and since I talk to you guys on a daily basis and don’t want you confused one day. Please don’t worry and I hope this doesn’t scare anyone away from me. I am on all my medicine and pretty well functioning.

This is just my way of “Coming out the Closet about being the same Dani but there are other pieces of me.”

*Sorry I didn’t proofread and will try to later just have the initial anxiety of doing this and have to ground myself.

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57 Comments

  1. Well….if there is one thing you don’t have to be scared of here, it’s that I am going away because of a post like this. In fact….I know I will speak for most of your followers when I say that I think you are an incredibly brave woman.
    Writing a post like this isn’t easy. It gives us a part of you that makes you feel anxious. It is a part of you that you might even feel ashamed of. But I know that most of the people that follow you, and interact with you on a daily basis are doing that because they just love who you are: an incredibly kind woman, that shares and brings us happyness every day. You have had such a tough life. All the things you have already shared with us at times, really make me feel sad. But not out of pity, but because I think you are an amazing woman that so does not deserve all of the hardships that you have gone through in your life.
    This post is the most personal post that you have shared with us. And there is nothing to be scared of, nothing to be afraid of. In fact there is one thing that you should feel: and that is pride!. You should be proud of the woman that you have become: you are simply amazing. All I hope and wish for you is that the coming years will turn into something bride: that you will have happyness and love that will surround you. Because of there is anyone in the world that deserves this: it is you.
    I have said it to you a gazellion times, and I will say it again: love yourself for who you are, and have faith in yourself as well.
    And know that I will definitely always be here for you as well….no matter what you say ot do: I will never go away. And I am pretty much completely sure, thst most of the people that know you here: feel exactly the same.
    Wonderful post Dani, and thank you for sharing something so incredibly personal with us 😘😘😘❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks so much for all the LOVE on this post Mivhel!!!!😍 It means so much!💖💚💙💛 I really was scared shitless and was going to post more about it and all and just rushed it because it was too hard. Also I got one awesome bag today!!!!!😍💜💛💚💙 Yay!🙌🙌🙌💜💜💜 It was a rough day and was so out of it because I had a seizure in my sleep so slept most of the day and somehow me and my gf Andrea got on the topic of my disorder and maybe it would help someone else who is battling this. Thanks so much again!!!😍

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Really, there is nothing to thank me for. I should be thanking you, for writing an amazing post like this, and being an incredibly kind and warmhearted soul.
        Your post will be a tremendous help to people who are battling this. Because it comes from someone who fights it every day, and it’s a post that was written with an incredible heart. You put everything that you had in this post, and I can really tell that as well.
        I hope you aren’t scared anymore, because when you see all the love and kindness that everyone has been saying to you in all these comments, you must know by now that you really are loved😀
        I’m glad the bag got delivered safely…I hope it is to your liking 😉
        Be safe sweet Dani, and keep being the brave soul that you are 😘❤️

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  2. Dani, this did not ‘scare me away’ and always know that I will be here for you if you ever need anything.
    I know this was a hard post to write (I deal with social anxiety and sometimes depression) and you are a very brave person to talk about stuff like this, I would never be able to come right out with my depression.
    You are an incredible woman and shouldn’t be afraid that you’d scare any one of us.
    Although we haven’t talked much, I know that I appreciate you and look up to you, not just as a friend, but a role model 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. #beautyfromtheashes
    I’ve known you for 5 years now on every personal and emotional level one can share with another. I’ve seen the darker times and the lighter times with you. I’ve cried many nights just thinking about all the horrible things that you have and are currently going thru because I know the light inside you, the love and empathy that you possess, the FORGIVENESS that you so easily and freely give, the kindness you have given to the even most non deserving of people, AND strength you have that most people couldn’t possess. You are a diamond in the rough. The light that breaks the darkness. You are the most empathic person I have EVER known! Yes you have D.I.D but that is far from what defines you. That huge heart you possess IS what defines YOU. To me, to even bare witness to such a fantastic beautiful woman and all that you have to offer, makes me the luckiest of people. The people who have dismissed, abandoned, and judged you are well frankly idiots who have never had to truly suffer or just incapable of the same empathy you hold. Your wonderful traits and warm encouraging, kind words are what brought your followers’ hearts here NOT your mental illness. You are someone that we can look to for kindness and guidance. I can’t speak for everyone but personally would not exchange knowing and loving such an amazing soul because of a very misguided and ill-informed mental diagnoses. Thank you for being my rock. I admire your strength and ability to share such a personal struggle with the world. 😍🤗😚

    Oh and for having such a great ass to look at 😉😁

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dani first wow because it’s brave. Second thank you because I learned new things and I have an avid mind always wantingto learn. Third you did not scare me away and you won’t. Fourth: having lived with my hubs for 22 years now and through 5 years where he was severly depressed I guess it must be hard for your entourage. I hope you have now strong people by your side. So many times I wanted to leave these years but I stayed because he has been a victim and he was doing allthat he could to get better. That’s what you are doing and that’s the most important. To conclude on a bright not I would say that his ordeal made us stronger and he is way better now. Have a good day 💋

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much Sophie for all this support and friendship! All of your amazingly kind words mean the world to me. It has been a really hard road and there is so much more to it but I couldn’t post it all because I got so anxious!😢 I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. Having severe depression is absolutely miserable. I have been battling a serious bout of it the last five years and it has been so debilitating. I feel like my body is so heavy and I feel numb to all emotions and before that it hurt so bad that I felt like I was dying from the pain. It feels like someone berry close to you died and you just found out but it feels like that all the time. You are so strong for staying by his side!!!😍 I have a few people in my life that handle it great! They treat all my alters as separate people. They are very understanding of my disorder and help them just as much as me. Outside of my household I don’t really have anyone besides the people I have met in the blogosphere. Thanks so much for helping me not be so scared to talk about this and I didn’t explain things the best but you can find more information online if you want but be weary of some skeptics and mean people from what I hear.😫

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  5. Posting about your life like this can only be a positive thing, in my opinion. For those of us that follow your blog, it is more insight into your interesting personality, and perhaps why we all like you as much as we do too. Honesty is the greatest virtue, and that comes across all the time in your writing.
    Another reason that this is so worthwhile is that it will encourage others not to ‘suffer in silence’. It not only raises awareness of a condition that is more common than we might have known, but gives hope to other sufferers.
    It also helps to build the community spirit that is so valuable to many of us bloggers, and allows us to expand our own knowledge.
    Well done for this, Dani.
    Love and best wishes as always, Pete. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww your words made me tear up Pete!😍 I am so thankful to have you as a friend and your support means the world to me! I am so glad you think of this post in such a positive manner!😊 I was literally shaking while writing it and had so much more deep things and better explanations too say but it just couldn’t come out right. I have even tried to hide this diagnosis from some family or if they have heard it from a doctor they always dismissed it. Then I had the psychiatrists that were skeptics and then there were the psychiatrists that I turned into believers. It was so much attention set on it that I hid away. I was tired of being treated as a lab rat. Now talking about it on my terms even though it’s scary, it’s also freeing as well!🙌🙌🙌 Thanks so much for all your love Pete! You are the bee’s knees, my friend!💖💛💙

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      1. It’s not just because I am being positive, Dani. It really is a positive step for you honey, and can only be cathartic and beneficial given time. I think it’s so sad that a young lady like you has been debilitated by poor treatment, but if we all pull together with positive help, love, and ‘good vibes’ (Very 1960s!), there will be a future that you can look forward to, I’m certain of that. 🙂 x
        Best wishes always, Pete. x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks so much Pete!!!😍 You really are such a great friend!!😊 You made me smile and gave me happy tears!😊 My therapist agrees that this was bhai a big step for more. That I shouldn’t have to live in shame about who I am. I love all your hippie talk!!! I am a total hippie at ❤!!! Good Vibes and Free Love baby!😍

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for your kind words and they really do mean the world to me!!!😍💖💜 This disorder is caused my severe childhood abuse but it has definitely made me stronger and nothing surprises me because of how much I have seen and experienced. You are such a supportive blogger and great friend for making me feel better about having to go through all of these things!😊

      Liked by 1 person

  6. First, I’m sorry for whatever happened to you to cause this. Would you believe that I used to be a Psych major? I changed to Liberal Arts along the way, but after a dozen or so psych courses, I know that people don’t get this disorder from little hurts. 😦 So I’m very, very sorry for your pain, past and present.

    As for the post, it was an extremely brave thing to write about it so publicly. You’re doing a great service to yourself and your healing, as well as helping to spread awareness and understanding. Though it isn’t anywhere near the same scale as what you deal with, I have battled major depression and general anxiety disorder for decades, and my mother and oldest daughter both have bipolar disorder. Mental health issues are one of my great passions (hence starting out as a psych major!), and I’m always thrilled when discussion is opened up about it.

    So kudos to you, brave one, and keep taking care of yourself. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks so much for your comment and kind words!😍 They really mean so much to me and I feel so blessed to have your friendship! I also took psychology to better understand what was going on with me. I’m so sorry you battle generalized anxiety disorder and depression! I know how horrible both depression and anxiety are!😢 I did go through a lot of traumas continuously for three years straight as a very young child. Sexual abuse, physical, emotional and torture. The DID started when I was very young as a way to escape the suffering. I went through things later on as well but that’s what caused the DID. Thanks so much for all your kindness! You really helped ease my worry about being open about my mental illness. Well you know since you battle mental health issues, that there is so much stigma around it and people don’t understand because it effects the mind.😢 I can’t thank you enough for all your support!!!!😍💖💜💛💙

    Like

  8. Dani you give so much to this world. Your bravery in being open about your challenges is humbling. This post is so inspirational and informative, especially to those who don’t understand the effects of illnesses. You earn more of my admiration each day. I only wish the best for you as you continue in your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You are not alone. You have so much love and support, and it was beyond brave of you to open up about something many people either don’t know about or have misconceptions of. This is why media portrayal is SO damned important. It shapes the way people see things, and they really suck with mental illness. They’ll either have people with them as the villain or some kind of super human genius when in reality they’re usually just people trying to get by, often pretending to be “normal,” because you’re more likely to be the victim of violence if you’re mentally ill than to be the cause. We’re all here for you ♥

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Anyone who gives a negative reaction to that post is someone you should block on all fronts. I have no tolerance for anyone who bullies to begin with and even less for people who bully over mental health. Pardon my cursing, but fuck that shit. Some of the misconceptions about mental health, especially its connections to abuse, are so virulent, and ignorance just reigns supreme. It takes a lot of guts to say what you did, and you need all the support we can provide ♥

        Liked by 1 person

      1. ❤ ❤ Of course, lady! I find myself drawn to others with mental illness, like me. Even if we don't have the same disorders, we know the struggle. I have a theory that people like us are actually normal & those that are "normal" are actually not in tune with the world! Plus, I love your blog! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  10. You’re very brave for taking the time to write this up, Dani. You’ve taken such a big step in just sharing this with us and I have to applaud for that. Talking about it is definitely one of the best ways to relieve your conscious of all that pressure we can form from all our troubles. I hope you’ve found ways to not be let down by all the stupid and dumb things some people might say regarding you and that you’ll keep that positive outlook on life. You’re definitely a wonderful inspiration for so many of us here. Stay awesome. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Lashaan! This means a lot to me for you to say this Lashaan! I really value your support, my friend. I am still trying to recover from all the hurtful things people have done and really to be honest that even though I forgiven the person who took away my childhood by abuse, I still haven’t forgiven myself for it. I can’t ever hold the blame on others for anything. I just blame me but thanks so much for all the kindness you have shown me. I really do appreciate you!💖💙💚💛💜

      Liked by 1 person

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