What is an Agorophobia?

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Hello lovelies! Today I am going to talk about something a bit different than books and that’s agorophobia. I know that’s a crazy name and many may not know what that its. Also some people may think that it’s something that can be easily overcame or that the person can simply get over it.

Well first I am going to give you folks the definition of an agorophobia from the Mayo Clinic:

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. You fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line, or being in a crowd.

The anxiety is caused by fear that there’s no easy way to escape or get help if the anxiety intensifies. Most people who have agoraphobia develop it after having one or more panic attacks, causing them to worry about having another attack and avoid the places where it may happen again.

People with agoraphobia often have a hard time feeling safe in any public place, especially where crowds gather. You may feel that you need a companion, such as a relative or friend, to go with you to public places. The fear can be so overwhelming that you may feel unable to leave your home.

Agoraphobia treatment can be challenging because it usually means confronting your fears. But with psychotherapy and medications, you can escape the trap of agoraphobia and live a more enjoyable life.

Now, the reason I am talking about this is because I have an agorophobia and it makes me panic just thinking about it or writing it out. As many of you know, I am a free spirited and out spoken person. I was that way in real life as well. I would always be on the go and never turn down an adventure. I have experienced some of the craziest things and at the end was alive to say I lived through it. I have went on random nationwide road trips. Pretty much, I just lived life to the fullest.

Starting 4 years ago things went out of control in my life but I was use to chaos. Hell, I lived through so much child abuse and torturous events what could stop me now.

Well things stopped… That was for sure. I became caretaker of a loved one who couldn’t remember 5 minutes ago. I was having a lot of emotional strain family wise. I was scared of all the criticism of my mental illness and the effects of it. I had friends use me and talk behind my backs when I fed them and clothed them when they were without. Most of all, I got real sick. Like life or death sick.

I drugged myself so much to numb the pain and anxiety of it all. When I decided to get clean and come off opioids, I was stuck. Literally, stuck.. At first I just couldn’t go some places and then it turned to more frequently. When I step on my front porch, I feel like I am literally suffocating. I have even passed out from hyperventilating from just stepping on my front porch.

People start thinking your a bad friend, a bad partner and your family says you don’t come by enough. When none of them understand the torture I feel just opening the door. Of course there is a lot more that happened to make me this way but this was the PG rated version.

The reason I am writing this article is to not bring attention to myself but to let others know you are not alone in this. Also if you have a loved one who battles this disorder, it feels like life or death to us. I know its hard to understand when it may be so easy for you to go outside but it is that bad. Oh how I wish to be the girl I once was and not be trapped by fear. With my health if not on bed rest, I should live life to the fullest but leaving my house only to go to the doctor once a month with have a trusted person is no way of life. Not for me or my kids…

Thank you everyone for hearing me out!

Fractured Mind of a Broken Child

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I’m going to do something a little different today. Something that has a lot of stigma. Something that is battled worldwide and so many few know but don’t really “know”. Child abuse effects so many children and so many more than that are recorded because so many stastitsics won’t make much of a difference. So many children hope there is light at the end of the dark and scary tunnel but most of tge time even into adulthood we have to take things day by day.

“Its better to build strong children than to repair broken men” -Frederick Douglass

So what is the point of me talking about all this depressing stuff? I am just going to straight up say it and have felt so much support from all of my followers that I feel that it’s safe to talk about something I hide from the world most of the time. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

I know many will only know from what they have seen in fictional television or books. Well things are not always that extreme and it’s fiction for a reason. I do go through bouts of amnesia and split off into multiple personalities. Dani you guys know is me. Well, they all are me in a way with seperate full identies, personalities and pasts.

I am the host and have been around since birth. I gained my alters beginning at age 6 when I would cope with the childhood abuse I went through. It carried through childhood through adulthood and there is so much pieces of my memory that is missing that it was so hard to tell the lines between fiction and reality.

This is an extremely exhausting mental illness that has effected me in pretty much every part of my life. I have lost people when they have found out I have this disorder. I have been called posessed by a church I called home when they found out. Most of my family couldn’t deal with the symptoms and have abandoned me at one point or other part of my life because they couldn’t deal with it.

I have lost so much and lost so many. This caused more anxiety and depression which led to me transitioning more. I was a lab rat as a child to the point of messing up my liver at a young age. I have been through electric shock therapy and clinical trials catered to D.I.D. I have been catatonic. My life was so chaotic and lost so much support when I got physically sick 4 years ago that it also took another part of me.

I was so free and lived in the moment, D.I.D. or not. Things changed quickly 4 years ago because everything finally made me crack and since then I am an agorophobic. I am literally scared shitless to leave my house or to even go on my front door. The only way I am able to leave my home is once a month for my doctor’s appointment. That’s it. Yes I am sick physically as well and that doesn’t help at all but losing people so much from things I can’t even remember just got the best of me.

My therapist says I should open up about this and learn to let things go and since I talk to you guys on a daily basis and don’t want you confused one day. Please don’t worry and I hope this doesn’t scare anyone away from me. I am on all my medicine and pretty well functioning.

This is just my way of “Coming out the Closet about being the same Dani but there are other pieces of me.”

*Sorry I didn’t proofread and will try to later just have the initial anxiety of doing this and have to ground myself.

*~Current Situation~The Wacky Bilbliophile’s Sleep Disorder~*

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So… I’m sitting here reading📖 and see that it’s indeed 2:30 effin’ a.m. in the morning.😱 I have to wake my kiddos (who will fight me on waking up😭 and ultimately I will win👏) at 5:45. But, but, but I’m mid chapter!!! One More Chapter should be qualified as a true sleep disorder📈😴. Bilbliophiles worldwide🌎 are losing sleep😫 constantly due to our intense need for one more chapter and turning another page!📖🔖📚We just can’t help ourselves. With sleep deprivation😪, randomness💡 and my absolute need to continue reading📖, I advocate there be clinical trials🔬, therapy📋 and support groups👥 for this disease. They can even say it’s a form of O.C.D. and call it O.M.C.!📑📊 The question is sleep deprivation due to expanding our minds💡 with the power of reading📖 really that harmful?🤔 Let me know your thoughts🗳 and know that this post was written by a sleep deprived and wacky Bilbliophile📚📖. Together we stand💪👫 to turn another page📄, live 1000s of lives🤗 and say fuck it🖕 to sleep because we are badass😎 readers(You won’t hear us SNORE!). See you guys after one more chapter! Oh yeah and Happy Halloween🎃🎊 lovelies!😗 I hope your day is filled with candy🍬, trick or treaters👻, slutty outfits👢👙 and spooky movies😱! Whatever tickles thy pickle🥒!

*Three Long Years of Sobriety~My Short Story of Recovery*

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Hello friends! I wanted to share something a little more deep about me. Maybe my experience can help you look for brighter days or you can relate in some way or another. Either way thanks for reading my post! I am so thankful to have signed up for WordPress and to have met so many awesome people! You guys rock!😁

Three years ago as of October 16th 2014, I was broken and torn down from a life of constantly chasing my next fix. But that day I decided to get help and change my life. I was fighting a terminal illness(which I survived,obviously) and my son’s father was out in a coma from a horrible car accident. The accident left him in a vegetated state where he only had 6% chance of survival. If he survived, doctor’s believed he would never walk again, talk or eat on his own. My world came crashing down not only was I fighting cancer to save my life, I had my children’s parent in the hospital as a vegetable. These life experiences are what put me over the edge.

At this time, I was already taking opioids for pain and used them recreationally and prescribed but wasn’t that bad off. I guess you would call me a functioning user. I battle with a servere mental illness along with physical health concerns. With everything happening in my life at the time I lost control of my life. I was always finding a way to numb the pain. Not only did I have a very traumatic childhood, I felt my life as an adult continued to suffer. From the sexual abuse I endured from the age of 6 to sexual assault as a young adult leading to the conception of my daughter. So much stuff in between and then my health and the accident. I felt constantly like I was grasping for air. I did things that I am so ashamed of, I wasn’t the mother I should have been, and I made a lot of mistakes. 

Luckily, my health got better and so did my children’s parent miraculously. He is able to walk and talk. Sadly, he doesn’t remember what happened the previous day(like 50 First Dates) and he’s in my care. Unfortunately, this blessing didn’t stop my problem until the pain didn’t get numb anymore. I was only using to not get sick. I had to make a choice if I was going to get better or not, if not for myself then I had to do it for my kids. 

It’s been 3 years and a couple days and it’s still a struggle. Every day I have to wake up and decide to not be that person I was anymore. I feel like I’m losing it still at times and it’s still so hard especially when I’m in so much physical pain but I do it. I make it, one day at a time. I know this is a private issue but in my life but I really wanted to share because I wanted to let individuals who have been or are in this situation know that there is hope! There is light after all that darkness!🌈 You might feel there is no hope for you but there is. You got this!😊💖👍