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Motherhood Heartbreak, How Do I Pick Up The Pieces?


Thoughts and Quotes

 

Image result for disclaimer iconDisclaimer: The topic I will be discussing includes child sexual misconduct and I really don’t want to be responsible for triggering anyone or just making anyone uncomfortable. I apologize in advance for saying anything that might come off the wrong way. No harm is meant by my post.


 

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So I have no idea how to go about talking about the subject I want to discuss or why I feel the need to post about it on public forum but the only reason I can think of is that I really need some advice and I know that all of you(my bloggy friends) have always been there for me. You guys have been there more than my actual physical friends or family but that’s a whole different topic. I just know that I feel comfortable enough-ish to write this post and pray that I get some advice, support and/or feedback. Image result for hard times quotes


As many of you know, I come from a chaotic and quite extensive history of trauma. I have experienced all the traumas that I believe are known to man and if not thank God I was spared from that but this is not a pity post or even a post about me. The reason I point out the literal torture that I have been through as a child is because I feel like I have no idea how to react because I am being faced with my children being hurt as well.Image result for hard times quotes


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The only thing I thought I ever was possible of doing right was protecting them from having the same experiences that I had as a child. I want them to have understanding, innocence, fun, and discipline that includes a hug and a loving conversation when all is said and done. As I sit here staring at this computer screen, I never thought it was possible that my children would get hurt at all. I am not going to go into too many details or make this post drawn out, I am simply just in shock, I believe. 


The other day my intuition kept telling me to asks my kids this crazy question. I kept pushing it away and thought maybe I was just being crazy. My kids have a friend that is a little bit older than them. I have known him most of his life and he has been around my kids more times than I can count. He is 11 and autistic and my kids are 10, 7, and 2. Well after them hanging out again for the summer, I couldn’t help but ask my kids if something happened that made them feel uncomfortable and if they were violated in any way. So that brings me to now, I am sitting here beating myself up for not following my intuition way sooner because my kids were sexually violated. I am thankful to God that they weren’t raped and it doesn’t make things any better really because in the end I am faced with the fact that I didn’t listen to this small niggling feeling that’s happened, my babies that I love with my whole heart were taken advantage of and I also don’t know how to feel because this other child is practically family and is obviously sick himself. Did someone teach him this? Could he understand what he was doing? My children act like they don’t realize the magnitude of what happened but should I still get them in therapy even if one of them says they don’t want to? game_comp_title.gifHow could I miss all of this and why did I think because I was facing financial hardships and eviction that that was actually rock bottom?

 

84f9c111fca8b31e19086c42effa4f40--cute-emo-girls-sad-girl-drawing1938030977.jpgI still have scheduled a family session for my whole family. I am giving my kids lots of love and understanding. I have notified the child’s parents and said they can’t see each other until further notice. I have still tried to remain positive and warm Dani and will continue to do so but I feel like maybe I am doing all of this wrong? I even wondered about getting police involved with the situation. I am just lost. All I know is that even if I think the most random thought comes in my mind and sounds outrageous I am going to act on it. I am going to try my best to keep going and keep my head high even though I never have felt so much heartache. I’m sorry about this post and I hate that it is so raw and so gloomy but I know sometimes in life we all face gloom and doom. I just needed to write this out even if I decide to take it down later because I feel that writing it out actually makes it more real because I have become to the point that the stress has turned me numb. I am sorry if that seems selfish of me but all I want is to be able to feel and stop flashing back to my own childhood so I can know for sure that I am taking all the right steps and that all the directions I am headed things will be okay. 


Thank you so much to everyone who has listened and supported me on here. Your friendship means the world to me. As I am in so much emotional pain, I will still be the ever so bouncy Dani because one thing I know for sure is that I will fucking fake it until I make it and I am determined not to lose myself over my struggles. I am a badass, open-minded, ultra caring mother and friend and will freakin continue!

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Fractured Mind of a Broken Child


I’m going to do something a little different today. Something that has a lot of stigma. Something that is battled worldwide and so many few know but don’t really “know”. Child abuse effects so many children and so many more than that are recorded because so many stastitsics won’t make much of a difference. So many children hope there is light at the end of the dark and scary tunnel but most of tge time even into adulthood we have to take things day by day.

“Its better to build strong children than to repair broken men” -Frederick Douglass

So what is the point of me talking about all this depressing stuff? I am just going to straight up say it and have felt so much support from all of my followers that I feel that it’s safe to talk about something I hide from the world most of the time. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

I know many will only know from what they have seen in fictional television or books. Well things are not always that extreme and it’s fiction for a reason. I do go through bouts of amnesia and split off into multiple personalities. Dani you guys know is me. Well, they all are me in a way with seperate full identies, personalities and pasts.

I am the host and have been around since birth. I gained my alters beginning at age 6 when I would cope with the childhood abuse I went through. It carried through childhood through adulthood and there is so much pieces of my memory that is missing that it was so hard to tell the lines between fiction and reality.

This is an extremely exhausting mental illness that has effected me in pretty much every part of my life. I have lost people when they have found out I have this disorder. I have been called posessed by a church I called home when they found out. Most of my family couldn’t deal with the symptoms and have abandoned me at one point or other part of my life because they couldn’t deal with it.

I have lost so much and lost so many. This caused more anxiety and depression which led to me transitioning more. I was a lab rat as a child to the point of messing up my liver at a young age. I have been through electric shock therapy and clinical trials catered to D.I.D. I have been catatonic. My life was so chaotic and lost so much support when I got physically sick 4 years ago that it also took another part of me.

I was so free and lived in the moment, D.I.D. or not. Things changed quickly 4 years ago because everything finally made me crack and since then I am an agorophobic. I am literally scared shitless to leave my house or to even go on my front door. The only way I am able to leave my home is once a month for my doctor’s appointment. That’s it. Yes I am sick physically as well and that doesn’t help at all but losing people so much from things I can’t even remember just got the best of me.

My therapist says I should open up about this and learn to let things go and since I talk to you guys on a daily basis and don’t want you confused one day. Please don’t worry and I hope this doesn’t scare anyone away from me. I am on all my medicine and pretty well functioning.

This is just my way of “Coming out the Closet about being the same Dani but there are other pieces of me.”

*Sorry I didn’t proofread and will try to later just have the initial anxiety of doing this and have to ground myself.