Being Who I Am And Giving Less Fucks

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If you are bothered by cussing, I am sorry and I am also sorry that there is some of my history of abuse in this particular post. I never try to write anything that offends anyone or makes them feel uncomfortable so if abuse or cursing makes you uncomfortable than this may not be the post for you.💖

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.”

-Eleanor Roosevelt

This last month has been a rough one and can say that it was a new kind of rock bottom for me. Lately I have been all gloom and doom and even though I know my situations warrant it, I shouldn’t allow it to let me fall apart. What has me broken up as of this week has been others’ opinions and words about me.

I know I shouldn’t give two fucks about what other people think of me but the truth of the matter is I give more than two fucks, I give as many fucks as possible. This has been an issue for me since a very young age. From the years before puberty, I believed that everything was my fault and I couldn’t forgive myself. I forgave everyone around me but I couldn’t forgive me. I never understood why I was this way and people took advantage of this gift/weakness my whole life. Before even becoming a teenager, I saw things that now when I look back at it, I wonder how in the hell did I even survive? How was I able to make it through the torture and violence? But most of all, how was and is it possible that the only person I ever hated was myself? From seeing my best friend and my first love die in front of me at age 14 to dying a few times under the age of 10 because of a request of one of my stepfather’s “customers, to not getting justice from all the torture I endured as a child because of stupid laws that the U.S. Government has that protects predators because the victim can’t speak due to trauma to being prosecuted in my 20s because I was desperate to do anything to get away from my abuser because the authorities said it would take 6 months to even process DNA to giving birth to a beautiful child that saved my life but knowing she was created from date rape, to now knowing my children have been hurt sexually by another child and facing chemotherapy medication and all that bullshit. I mean, I can go on for days here but that’s not the point of this post. The point is I have seen my fair share of Hell on Earth and I know we all go through shit. I know there are people that have it worse than me out there and that breaks my heart as well but it still doesn’t solve the question that I have been asking for years, why can’t I hate? Why is the only reason I know what hate is is because I hate myself and that is all? I can’t for the life of me figure it out and know that it’s my biggest weakness yet my greatest gift. I hated myself for the longest time for not knowing why I can’t hate others. I sometimes can’t understand why I have prayed for those whom have hurt and tortured me. I prayed for them to get their karma, yes. But I also prayed that they would get help and wouldn’t hurt someone else. There’s things that I have seen and have been through that I can’t even mention in this blog because of it being too much and too raw for me or others to handle. Still the same question remains, why is there only love for others in my heart?

 “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be loved again.”

– Maya Angelou

So now I am taking us back to the beginning of this post, how have other’s words have hurt me so bad, at least this time? Well 2 days ago, I was discriminated against twice within 1 hour for being a spiritualist. First I was told that because it was related to Books & Writing that it wasn’t allowed in an online community. When I was told that it wasn’t allowed and saw that other’s even the leaders posted things other stuff that wasn’t books or writing I wrote back to the leader of this group that took down all my posts and in return she was rude and even though I told her my cards were with books and I apologized about some other guidelines I didn’t know about she treated me like utter shit. I kept saying ma’am and she was rude and disrespectful because of my views and to tell you a story about yourself or the querent because of my dyslexia and Meneires Disease, I use images at times to read. Even when you go to a Tarot place it’s called getting a reading because with Tarot & Oracle it’s all about using your intuition(or gut as some refer to it as) to look into the images and see what message the image is telling your intuition at that time. Tarot & Oracle cards even have ISBNs and I use them for creative writing purposes as well just like many other writers do. I said all of this in a respectful manner but was told I would be banned. So she can talk about baking and other people can have photos with their books with different objects but anything about Tarot was off limits.
To make this situation worse after talking to this lovely woman, I go on Goodreads and I have an unread message from someone that I never talked to before that says if I were you, I would stay away from those crystals and stones and cards because they will send you to hell or whatever. So I respond saying thanks for that knowledge and I will assume that he is a well read man because he’s on Goodreads that he understands many beliefs use different types of tools to get closer to their faith or just making themselves better people and that’s what I am getting to with this, what is so wrong with someone doing something that makes anyone be a better person or strive to be. Even Catholics use rosaries and atheist go to therapist or doctors. What’s wrong with doing anything to make you a better human being?

I just became more spiritual recently and it’s what has saved me. Along with this community, my recent newfound spirituality(not my first time) is what gave me the strength to start seeing my love for others a gift, what gave me the strength to move on and live and love life again because I am mother fucking worth it.

 “Serve dinnerbackward, do anything- but for goodness sake, do something weird.”

-Elsa Maxwell

My life may be in shackles but it does not rule me. I can still be a hippie and a free love person and have a spiritual side, I feel that we create our own hells. I know I am writing this by caring what people have thought about me but the reading community has been my other saving grace and I don’t want to make people think I am CRAZY er and I want to be accepted and loved by this community like I was and I’m scared that being a progressive Christian has had an effect on that. I don’t know if I am making much sense but know I don’t want to go backwards and whatever time I have left the this Earth, I want to live it happily. I have been trying to get back into my groove regardless on all the medications I am on because I still got to believe that I am worth it and it’s not all my fault… I can forgive myself for everything and one day I will and I have faith that I will. Thank you for reading this and thank you for being part of my life, loves.💖

Thoughts & Quotes: A Quote About Our Choices & Abilities

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Thoughts and Quotes

It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

-J.K. Rowling

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Motherhood Heartbreak, How Do I Pick Up The Pieces?

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Thoughts and Quotes

 

Image result for disclaimer iconDisclaimer: The topic I will be discussing includes child sexual misconduct and I really don’t want to be responsible for triggering anyone or just making anyone uncomfortable. I apologize in advance for saying anything that might come off the wrong way. No harm is meant by my post.


 

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So I have no idea how to go about talking about the subject I want to discuss or why I feel the need to post about it on public forum but the only reason I can think of is that I really need some advice and I know that all of you(my bloggy friends) have always been there for me. You guys have been there more than my actual physical friends or family but that’s a whole different topic. I just know that I feel comfortable enough-ish to write this post and pray that I get some advice, support and/or feedback. Image result for hard times quotes


As many of you know, I come from a chaotic and quite extensive history of trauma. I have experienced all the traumas that I believe are known to man and if not thank God I was spared from that but this is not a pity post or even a post about me. The reason I point out the literal torture that I have been through as a child is because I feel like I have no idea how to react because I am being faced with my children being hurt as well.Image result for hard times quotes


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The only thing I thought I ever was possible of doing right was protecting them from having the same experiences that I had as a child. I want them to have understanding, innocence, fun, and discipline that includes a hug and a loving conversation when all is said and done. As I sit here staring at this computer screen, I never thought it was possible that my children would get hurt at all. I am not going to go into too many details or make this post drawn out, I am simply just in shock, I believe. 


The other day my intuition kept telling me to asks my kids this crazy question. I kept pushing it away and thought maybe I was just being crazy. My kids have a friend that is a little bit older than them. I have known him most of his life and he has been around my kids more times than I can count. He is 11 and autistic and my kids are 10, 7, and 2. Well after them hanging out again for the summer, I couldn’t help but ask my kids if something happened that made them feel uncomfortable and if they were violated in any way. So that brings me to now, I am sitting here beating myself up for not following my intuition way sooner because my kids were sexually violated. I am thankful to God that they weren’t raped and it doesn’t make things any better really because in the end I am faced with the fact that I didn’t listen to this small niggling feeling that’s happened, my babies that I love with my whole heart were taken advantage of and I also don’t know how to feel because this other child is practically family and is obviously sick himself. Did someone teach him this? Could he understand what he was doing? My children act like they don’t realize the magnitude of what happened but should I still get them in therapy even if one of them says they don’t want to? game_comp_title.gifHow could I miss all of this and why did I think because I was facing financial hardships and eviction that that was actually rock bottom?

 

84f9c111fca8b31e19086c42effa4f40--cute-emo-girls-sad-girl-drawing1938030977.jpgI still have scheduled a family session for my whole family. I am giving my kids lots of love and understanding. I have notified the child’s parents and said they can’t see each other until further notice. I have still tried to remain positive and warm Dani and will continue to do so but I feel like maybe I am doing all of this wrong? I even wondered about getting police involved with the situation. I am just lost. All I know is that even if I think the most random thought comes in my mind and sounds outrageous I am going to act on it. I am going to try my best to keep going and keep my head high even though I never have felt so much heartache. I’m sorry about this post and I hate that it is so raw and so gloomy but I know sometimes in life we all face gloom and doom. I just needed to write this out even if I decide to take it down later because I feel that writing it out actually makes it more real because I have become to the point that the stress has turned me numb. I am sorry if that seems selfish of me but all I want is to be able to feel and stop flashing back to my own childhood so I can know for sure that I am taking all the right steps and that all the directions I am headed things will be okay. 


Thank you so much to everyone who has listened and supported me on here. Your friendship means the world to me. As I am in so much emotional pain, I will still be the ever so bouncy Dani because one thing I know for sure is that I will fucking fake it until I make it and I am determined not to lose myself over my struggles. I am a badass, open-minded, ultra caring mother and friend and will freakin continue!

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