If you are bothered by cussing, I am sorry and I am also sorry that there is some of my history of abuse in this particular post. I never try to write anything that offends anyone or makes them feel uncomfortable so if abuse or cursing makes you uncomfortable than this may not be the post for you.💖
“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
This last month has been a rough one and can say that it was a new kind of rock bottom for me. Lately I have been all gloom and doom and even though I know my situations warrant it, I shouldn’t allow it to let me fall apart. What has me broken up as of this week has been others’ opinions and words about me.
I know I shouldn’t give two fucks about what other people think of me but the truth of the matter is I give more than two fucks, I give as many fucks as possible. This has been an issue for me since a very young age. From the years before puberty, I believed that everything was my fault and I couldn’t forgive myself. I forgave everyone around me but I couldn’t forgive me. I never understood why I was this way and people took advantage of this gift/weakness my whole life. Before even becoming a teenager, I saw things that now when I look back at it, I wonder how in the hell did I even survive? How was I able to make it through the torture and violence? But most of all, how was and is it possible that the only person I ever hated was myself? From seeing my best friend and my first love die in front of me at age 14 to dying a few times under the age of 10 because of a request of one of my stepfather’s “customers, to not getting justice from all the torture I endured as a child because of stupid laws that the U.S. Government has that protects predators because the victim can’t speak due to trauma to being prosecuted in my 20s because I was desperate to do anything to get away from my abuser because the authorities said it would take 6 months to even process DNA to giving birth to a beautiful child that saved my life but knowing she was created from date rape, to now knowing my children have been hurt sexually by another child and facing chemotherapy medication and all that bullshit. I mean, I can go on for days here but that’s not the point of this post. The point is I have seen my fair share of Hell on Earth and I know we all go through shit. I know there are people that have it worse than me out there and that breaks my heart as well but it still doesn’t solve the question that I have been asking for years, why can’t I hate? Why is the only reason I know what hate is is because I hate myself and that is all? I can’t for the life of me figure it out and know that it’s my biggest weakness yet my greatest gift. I hated myself for the longest time for not knowing why I can’t hate others. I sometimes can’t understand why I have prayed for those whom have hurt and tortured me. I prayed for them to get their karma, yes. But I also prayed that they would get help and wouldn’t hurt someone else. There’s things that I have seen and have been through that I can’t even mention in this blog because of it being too much and too raw for me or others to handle. Still the same question remains, why is there only love for others in my heart?
“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be loved again.”
– Maya Angelou
So now I am taking us back to the beginning of this post, how have other’s words have hurt me so bad, at least this time? Well 2 days ago, I was discriminated against twice within 1 hour for being a spiritualist. First I was told that because it was related to Books & Writing that it wasn’t allowed in an online community. When I was told that it wasn’t allowed and saw that other’s even the leaders posted things other stuff that wasn’t books or writing I wrote back to the leader of this group that took down all my posts and in return she was rude and even though I told her my cards were with books and I apologized about some other guidelines I didn’t know about she treated me like utter shit. I kept saying ma’am and she was rude and disrespectful because of my views and to tell you a story about yourself or the querent because of my dyslexia and Meneires Disease, I use images at times to read. Even when you go to a Tarot place it’s called getting a reading because with Tarot & Oracle it’s all about using your intuition(or gut as some refer to it as) to look into the images and see what message the image is telling your intuition at that time. Tarot & Oracle cards even have ISBNs and I use them for creative writing purposes as well just like many other writers do. I said all of this in a respectful manner but was told I would be banned. So she can talk about baking and other people can have photos with their books with different objects but anything about Tarot was off limits.
To make this situation worse after talking to this lovely woman, I go on Goodreads and I have an unread message from someone that I never talked to before that says if I were you, I would stay away from those crystals and stones and cards because they will send you to hell or whatever. So I respond saying thanks for that knowledge and I will assume that he is a well read man because he’s on Goodreads that he understands many beliefs use different types of tools to get closer to their faith or just making themselves better people and that’s what I am getting to with this, what is so wrong with someone doing something that makes anyone be a better person or strive to be. Even Catholics use rosaries and atheist go to therapist or doctors. What’s wrong with doing anything to make you a better human being?
I just became more spiritual recently and it’s what has saved me. Along with this community, my recent newfound spirituality(not my first time) is what gave me the strength to start seeing my love for others a gift, what gave me the strength to move on and live and love life again because I am mother fucking worth it.
“Serve dinnerbackward, do anything- but for goodness sake, do something weird.”
My life may be in shackles but it does not rule me. I can still be a hippie and a free love person and have a spiritual side, I feel that we create our own hells. I know I am writing this by caring what people have thought about me but the reading community has been my other saving grace and I don’t want to make people think I am CRAZY er and I want to be accepted and loved by this community like I was and I’m scared that being a progressive Christian has had an effect on that. I don’t know if I am making much sense but know I don’t want to go backwards and whatever time I have left the this Earth, I want to live it happily. I have been trying to get back into my groove regardless on all the medications I am on because I still got to believe that I am worth it and it’s not all my fault… I can forgive myself for everything and one day I will and I have faith that I will. Thank you for reading this and thank you for being part of my life, loves.💖