Berkeley County, South Carolina, USA (843)941-7972 daniellepirok88@gmail.com If you email or contact me through my Wi-Fi based work #(preferably email or text), I will get back to you A.S.A.P.

Update On Dani’s Crazy Life And What’s Been Going On, Grief…


Random Rambles

*Possible Trigger Warning

So I have been promising a few on a update with me and my crazy life. This is going to be a bit of a hard of a thing to talk about but it’s not all bad. If any creepers are on my page just to get facts about me, heads up, being possessive and taking away every bit of my freedom and privacy is not cool. Sorry about that rant, my friends but the person whom I am referring to and others know that I am talking about them and it’s no one I met online.

Let’s start with some good news though my family has finally a stable source of income at least for the next year or so. This is a huge blessing and I couldn’t be more thankful for something coming in.❤❤❤

So to kind of put it out there for the bad news it started 6 months ago. I was not doing well mentally, physically or financially and to top that off someone burgalarized my house taking all my money for my bills and posessions that couldn’t be replaced. Then I found out my kids were sexually harassed and it was like my brain was tugging at straws to stay alive. As well as my health took a sharp turn for the worse. On top of that have someone whom you have taken care of for years tell your children you’re a terrible mom and they aren’t cared for. I mean if someone has all these problems with you and is a P.O.S. and can’t say it to your face instead they rather talk to themselves and around your children and your family about all their issues with you and poor them. Fuck that shit and I’m going to get off that because that’s not my main thing I am battling right now and don’t have time to let hypocritical Christians eat up my soul and waste anymore of my time. My love for that person is fading because if someone doesn’t want you to be happy and only cares about their feelings than that’s on them. Fuck it. *brushes shoulder off* This is really the big issue but I guess it feels good to get some of the pent up hurt out.*I started this post a week ago and have forgiven this person and know they are neurologically sick but am not forgetting but they are going to get help. This person isn’t my main issue at all but it feels like a lot to edit to remove it because what’s in the next paragraph is what stopped me from posting this post.

Now to the main thing that’s current and I have been facing is I found out I was far along 5-6 months pregnant and didn’t even have an idea how. I mean my intuition was telling me but doctors told me I couldn’t and it’s been so long since I had relations at least with any man. *Sorry for my bluntness today* But I was already feeling kicking on even the outside so when my appointment came last week I was already nervous because of the dangerous medications I was on but to wrap this up so it doesn’t trigger anyone or anything. I had a heartbreaking loss.😢 There was no heartbeat on the screen and I fell apart. I fell apart but everyone else was falling apart around me and I had to try and keep my head above water. So I guess all the sickness and how much my blogging experience declined was due to an unhealthy pregnancy full of stress. So I said goodbye to a little one that I only have seen once and never got the chance to know and it was so later on that I miss all those jabs and I miss all the fear yet excitement of something so unplanned but my intuition warned me the night before with a dream/vision so I kind of prepared myself that day before going and feeling no jabs and rolls but I don’t know if it’s possible to prepare for this grief. I have experienced a few miscarriages but this just seemed to knock the wind out of me but like they say when you TRULY are rock bottom, there is only one way to go but up.

Please accept me back as an active bloggy member as soon as I can get my head above water. I feel so bad for all my absences. Please pray or send me thoughts or vibes that I continue to push forward, that my kids stop being bullied and stay happy and healthy and that my family’s overall health improves. Four sick adults is no fun and also those prayers we can have a chance to catch up financially with all the sudden changes and expenses in life.😕 I’m sorry for this negative posts and I swear I have been doing everything in my power to change my outlook and let go of these crazy hormones. I love you all and I can’t thank you enough for all the times you have been there for me. I have hope and I will be pushing through because I loved being part of this community and miss everyone with all my heart but please know I have hope.

This song and everything behind it plays through my head all the time now and it’s so relevant in so many ways to how I feel.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=EKF6ghfcQic

Lyrics: 

I’ve gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don’t want less, I don’t want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm

Yeah, my life is what I’m fighting for
Can’t part the sea, can’t reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won’t let this pull me overboard

God, keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown, it gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown, drown, drown
Don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown

So pull me up from down below
‘Cause I’m underneath the undertow
Come dry me off and hold me close
I need you now, I need you most

God, keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown, it gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown, drown, drown
Don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown, drown, drown
Keep my head above water, above water

And I can’t see in the stormy weather
I can’t seem to keep it all together
And I, I can’t swim the ocean like this forever
And I can’t breathe

God, keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me, I’ll be waiting
I’m too young to fall asleep

God, keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown, it gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees

Don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown (don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown)
Don’t let me drown (don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown)
Keep my head above water, above water

Motherhood Heartbreak, How Do I Pick Up The Pieces?


Thoughts and Quotes

 

Image result for disclaimer iconDisclaimer: The topic I will be discussing includes child sexual misconduct and I really don’t want to be responsible for triggering anyone or just making anyone uncomfortable. I apologize in advance for saying anything that might come off the wrong way. No harm is meant by my post.


 

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So I have no idea how to go about talking about the subject I want to discuss or why I feel the need to post about it on public forum but the only reason I can think of is that I really need some advice and I know that all of you(my bloggy friends) have always been there for me. You guys have been there more than my actual physical friends or family but that’s a whole different topic. I just know that I feel comfortable enough-ish to write this post and pray that I get some advice, support and/or feedback. Image result for hard times quotes


As many of you know, I come from a chaotic and quite extensive history of trauma. I have experienced all the traumas that I believe are known to man and if not thank God I was spared from that but this is not a pity post or even a post about me. The reason I point out the literal torture that I have been through as a child is because I feel like I have no idea how to react because I am being faced with my children being hurt as well.Image result for hard times quotes


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The only thing I thought I ever was possible of doing right was protecting them from having the same experiences that I had as a child. I want them to have understanding, innocence, fun, and discipline that includes a hug and a loving conversation when all is said and done. As I sit here staring at this computer screen, I never thought it was possible that my children would get hurt at all. I am not going to go into too many details or make this post drawn out, I am simply just in shock, I believe. 


The other day my intuition kept telling me to asks my kids this crazy question. I kept pushing it away and thought maybe I was just being crazy. My kids have a friend that is a little bit older than them. I have known him most of his life and he has been around my kids more times than I can count. He is 11 and autistic and my kids are 10, 7, and 2. Well after them hanging out again for the summer, I couldn’t help but ask my kids if something happened that made them feel uncomfortable and if they were violated in any way. So that brings me to now, I am sitting here beating myself up for not following my intuition way sooner because my kids were sexually violated. I am thankful to God that they weren’t raped and it doesn’t make things any better really because in the end I am faced with the fact that I didn’t listen to this small niggling feeling that’s happened, my babies that I love with my whole heart were taken advantage of and I also don’t know how to feel because this other child is practically family and is obviously sick himself. Did someone teach him this? Could he understand what he was doing? My children act like they don’t realize the magnitude of what happened but should I still get them in therapy even if one of them says they don’t want to? game_comp_title.gifHow could I miss all of this and why did I think because I was facing financial hardships and eviction that that was actually rock bottom?

 

84f9c111fca8b31e19086c42effa4f40--cute-emo-girls-sad-girl-drawing1938030977.jpgI still have scheduled a family session for my whole family. I am giving my kids lots of love and understanding. I have notified the child’s parents and said they can’t see each other until further notice. I have still tried to remain positive and warm Dani and will continue to do so but I feel like maybe I am doing all of this wrong? I even wondered about getting police involved with the situation. I am just lost. All I know is that even if I think the most random thought comes in my mind and sounds outrageous I am going to act on it. I am going to try my best to keep going and keep my head high even though I never have felt so much heartache. I’m sorry about this post and I hate that it is so raw and so gloomy but I know sometimes in life we all face gloom and doom. I just needed to write this out even if I decide to take it down later because I feel that writing it out actually makes it more real because I have become to the point that the stress has turned me numb. I am sorry if that seems selfish of me but all I want is to be able to feel and stop flashing back to my own childhood so I can know for sure that I am taking all the right steps and that all the directions I am headed things will be okay. 


Thank you so much to everyone who has listened and supported me on here. Your friendship means the world to me. As I am in so much emotional pain, I will still be the ever so bouncy Dani because one thing I know for sure is that I will fucking fake it until I make it and I am determined not to lose myself over my struggles. I am a badass, open-minded, ultra caring mother and friend and will freakin continue!

Image result for hard times quotes

Special Songs: Hakuna Matata With Family Update


So today, I was stressing about how behind I am on reviews and how much we are still battling some finances. Woke up to an evil door tag telling me that my water was cut off!😶 I also had a few more difficulties health wise. Well I started looking back at all of your posts and comments you wrote with support and it lightened my day. Well luckily, my day got even brighter!!!😍🌄🌞 We were able to have able to have two job opportunities arrive for my family! Yay!!💖💖💖 Now two of us will be able to make some money!😀 Since one of the employers happened to be someone I knew from childhood they offered to cover the water and we can pay back over time. Yay! I got approved to have food benefits to be cut back on, just have to wait a couple more weeks but luckily was given a list of food pantries that could deliver us some canned goods. We still have a lot to overcome but I just have that knowing that everything is going to be okay. Thank you so much again to all you have shown me the love and support that I could never dream of having in my life! I am so glad that I met every single one of you.💖💖💖 I would have honestly been severley ill and homeless by now without you. Xoxoxo! You guys are the BEST!😚🤗 So I am busting out with the “Problem Free Philosophy”!

Hakuna Matata!
What a wonderful phrase
Hakuna Matata!
Ain’t no passing craze
It means no worries
For the rest of your days
It’s our problem-free philosophy
Hakuna Matata!
Why, when he was a young warthog
When I was a young wart-hoooog!
Very nice!
Thanks!
He found his aroma lacked a certain appeal
He could clear the Savannah after every meal
I’m a sensitive soul, though I seem thick-skinned
And it hurt that my friends never stood downwind
And oh, the shame
(He was ashamed!)
Thought of changin’ my name
(Oh, what’s in a name?)
And I got downhearted
(How did you feel?)
Every time that I-
Pumbaa! Not in front of the kids!
Oh… sorry
Hakuna Matata!
What a wonderful phrase
Hakuna Matata!
Ain’t no passing craze
It means no worries
For the rest of your days
Yeah, sing it, kid!
It’s our problem-free philosophy
Hakuna Matata!
Hakuna Matata
Hakuna Matata
Hakuna Matata
Hakuna
It means no worries
For the rest of your days
It’s our problem-free philosophy
Hakuna Matata

To All of My Friends Whom Have Been There For Me In This Amazing Community!


Hello my awesome and beautiful friends!❤ I have missed you guys so much. I have been busy looking into every resource I can and have been trying my best to relax to heal from the seizures that I had throughout my turmoil but through all of these stressful times I have found a light and a great sense of hope.

What has instilled my hope is all of you! I have been through many trying times in my life and have seen things by the age of 18 that many adults never see in their lifetimes but I have never met so many caring and amazing individuals in my life until now.

I have been astonished by the donations, the thoughts, the prayers and the amount of shares that my fundraiser to help my family has received. I have never felt so love and accepted as I have when I became a part of this community and for that and all of you, I am eternally grateful.

This is hard to say but I have family in real life that has lots of money but has not bothered to help me in my times of need. I have many of “friends” that I have given them a roof over their heads, money in their hard times, fixed their cars, bought them an AC unit when they had no air in the middle of the summer, paid for medical treatment, bought their children food & clothes and the this list could go on and on. I never expected anything in return but they have seen me at this rock bottom and seen my fundraiser but have not offered a helping hand at all. I am a social butterfly and extremely giving person but because of all the times I have been used and hurt so I ended up turning into an agoraphobic.

Each and everyone of you, all of you that have supported me through this rough time have not met me in person. You all know me through this community and you are the only ones that have helped me. This has not only made me realize how much good there is in this world but also made me realize that I still had the ability to have hope. I have hope for better days. I have hope that I will get through this and I have hope because I have such miraculous friends. Now I am ugly crying. Like really, ugly and heart filled tears. I am beyond thankful for you all anf thank you so much for showing me how much good there is in this world.❤❤❤ Thank you most of all for being my friends!❤❤❤

Fundraiser Link: https://www.gofundme.com/needing-help-for-medical-and-rent-for-kids

*Update on Fundraiser! Thanks so much! Updated Link*


I want to thank everyone who has sharing my fundraiser. When it comes to putting yourself out there and asking for money in that manner, I have to admit there has been a lot of shame. Trust me I battled myself and kicked my ass for having to do this. I mean in the blogosphere, I love to be the jokey and overly affectionate Dani(which I still am) but things got to the absolute point where I had no choice but to do it.

By all means, do I want anyone to suffer because of me but having people’s thoughts, shares, and prayers/vibes has given me hope beyond measure. Because of the individuals whom have shared on Twitter and here I was able to get one of my medications for my seizures and a partial on my chemotherapy medication. Two amazing donors helped me out and had enough for some of my medication!❤❤❤ I wish I knew them personally so I could bear hug them so I could thank them in person. Their gift has given me hope and joy! This means the world to me and I am finally able to have my body heal to a certain extent and am forever beyond grateful.

Also, I have to thank my friend J.B. @ The Militant Negro for posting a post regarding me and for messaging right away and is sending me medical supplies. I know you said no thanks were needed, my friend but I couldn’t help it!😀❤ He is a wonderful and supportive blogger that deserves any and all the recognition.

All of you mean so much to me in the blogosphere my GoFundMe link on Twitter or wherever it would mean so much to me!❤ Also I accidentally changed the link because I am not webologically equipped. Yes I made up that word. The link to share is https://www.gofundme.com/needing-help-for-medical-and-rent-for-kids

You can find me on Twitter @ twitter.com/bookishdani

I also tried to update my story and all that shenanigans! Thank you all for your support. You ROCK!❤❤❤

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